


Blue Moon

by FayJay



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-04
Updated: 2009-05-04
Packaged: 2017-10-02 09:02:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FayJay/pseuds/FayJay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crackfic, humour, dialogue-only.</p><p>Response to Bonibaru's prompt: "Trapped with a werewolf on the eve of the full moon and must have sex because a werewolf will not attack its mate."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blue Moon

"This is awful."

"Please, do carry on stating the obvious, why don't you?"

"Damn it."

"They know where we are, Lupin. Or at least - they should know, if Granger got back intact, and considering her record to date it would take more than half a dozen DeathEaters to stop her. There is nothing else that we can do. Between us we are sufficiently valuable for a rescue attempt to be considered, at least. If they have the manpower."

"..."

"..."

"Sorry."

"Not nearly as sorry as I am. If there is an afterlife, and if the dead can watch the living, your dear friend Black must be loving this."

"Please don't bring Sirius into this."

"Why not? It's what he wanted."

"It's not what he wanted. We were young, and stupid, and he was pissed off with you. But he didn't want you dead."

"Well, I shall shortly be able to ask him, shan't I?"

"Fuck."

"Indeed."

"..."

"..."

"You're sure you can't Apparate?"

"Lupin, I'm flattered that you imagine I have some mysterious source of power, but if you ask me this again, I may kill you before the sun sets out of pure irritation. No, I cannot Apparate, any more than you can. The anti-Apparation wards are appallingly secure."

"That's probably what they want, you know."

"What is?"

"You to kill me before the sun sets."

"I may yet."

"It might be a good idea."

"I know. I do not relish the prospect of being rent limb from limb."

"No."

"..."

"Sorry. About - all this."

"So you should be."

"Come now, Snape - it wasn't my fault we were caught."

"Well it wasn't my bloody fault either, Lupin. But I'm certainly going to pay for it."

"..."

"..."

"If we get out of this - if Dumbledore gets us out of this somehow - I think I might hang up my wand. Or - or at least insist upon solo assignments."

"What a _pity_ you didn't have this little epiphany twenty four hours earlier."

"Yes. Yes, well - it was supposed to be simple recon, or I wouldn't have agreed. Today. I thought - well. I did bring my potion, though, just in case, but - well."

"Fat lot of good it's doing us puddling on the floor in the courtyard."

"Quite."

"..."

"..."

"There is - um. Never mind."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"..."

"..."

"You were going to say something, Lupin."

"Forget it."

"Regrettably I don't find myself overly well supplied with distractions at this precise moment, so you'll forgive me if I have difficulty putting it out of my mind. You sounded almost like a man with an idea."

"You don't want to hear it, Snape."

"I'll be the judge of that."

"..."

"You are trying my patience."

"It's just - well. Look, there is another way. To keep me - the wolf - from attacking you."

"I'm all ears."

"Er. Well, it's just - I don't think you'll like it much. It's not - erm. Damn."

"Lupin, however ghastly it may be, I rather doubt it is less pleasant than being eaten alive. Tell me."

"It's just - a werewolf won't attack its mate."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Don't look at me like that! You asked! It was just a suggestion. I didn't say it was a good suggestion, but we're not exactly overflowing with cunning plans just now, are we? And - it's true. It would work."

"Am I to understand that you are suggesting - that you are implying - do you mean to say that I should - that we - Merciful Merlin. You're serious."

"I told you you wouldn't like it."

"..."

"..."

"Are you a homosexual, Lupin?"

"No! Well. Not exactly."

"..."

"Yes."

"I see."

"But I wouldn't ask you to - I mean, it's not like - oh, shit. I just can't think of any other way to keep you from dying, and much as you irritate me, I don't want to _kill_ you."

"Quite the master of pillowtalk, aren't you?"

"Fuck off."

"..."

"..."

"How do you know it would work? I've made a point of studying lycanthropy and none of the books mention this."

"I know. Um. Practical research, Snape."

"That's one hell of a risk someone took."

"Yes. Yes, it was, rather. But the circumstances - never mind. But I know it's true."

"So you can have sex, then? I had supposed that the disease could be spread through sexual contact."

"No."

"How fascinating - in Pheonicia Leonid's treatise on the spread of magical curses she explicitly stated that lycanthropy could be caught through any exchange of bodily fluids."

"Pheonicia Leonid evidently never slept with a werewolf."

"No, I daresay not."

"..."

"So - what would it involve, then?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Becoming your - mate."

"..."

"Lupin?"

"I'm starting to think that I may just die of embarrassment."

"Well, that would certainly make my life easier."

"Yes."

"..."

"..."

"You didn't answer the question."

"Are you serious?"

"Let me think. Option one: be eaten alive. Option two: have humiliating, unsatisfactory and probably painful sexual intercourse with a colleague. It is a very close thing, but I think Option two has the edge. By a whisker."

"You do know how to flatter a man."

"No, I don't. But that's hardly the point, is it? You're not attracted to me, and I'm not attracted to you. This is a matter of pragmatism. Unless - will your wolf be convinced I'm your mate even if we do copulate? Because it's hardly going to be something meaningful, is it? If I have sexual intercourse with you and get eaten for my troubles, then I will most definitely remain on this earth as a ghost and haunt you for the rest of your miserable life."

"Snape. It will work. Trust me."

"Yes, well, that's the point, isn't it? You're asking me to trust you."

"Yes, I am."

"Trust - isn't one of my stronger suits. For good reason. And I have no particular reason to trust you."

"No. But I can't think of any other option, Snape. If you can, please tell me."

"..."

"..."

"No. No, I really can't. Damn."

"..."

"..."

"Come here, then."

"Oh, God. Maybe death would be the better option after all."

"Snape, shut up and come here."

"Fine."

"..."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm just touching you, Snape. Severus. I'm just touching you."

"I - I really don't know about this."

"Do you want me to stop? Okay. There."

"Thank you. Sorry. I just - this really isn't my cup of tea."

"Never mind. We'll just wait until the sun sets and the moon rises, then, shall we?"

"Oh, fuck."

"..."

"..."

"Snape? What?"

"Shut up."

"That's - oh. Oh! You're getting - oh! You're - that's - you're naked!"

"Stating the obvious really is something at which you excel, isn't it?"

"Sorry, I just didn't - er. Are you sure about this?"

"How bad can it be?"

"I'm flattered."

"You should be."

"Come here."

"..."

"..."

"What's the point of this? What's the point of kissing? You're just wasting time. Get _on_ with it."

"Snape, this doesn't have to be horrible, you know. It really doesn't. Just relax, okay? Just - try to get into it. It'll make it easier for both of us."

"I hate you."

"I know."

"..."

"..."

"You're actually - ah! - you're - oh! - quite good at this, aren't you?"

"Was that a compliment?"

"Fuck off."

"Come back here. You're a very attractive man, you know."

"Fuck off and _die._"

"I'm just saying. You're an attractive man. You could do with washing your hair once in a while, but still - attractive."

"You've changed your tune."

"Not really. I've thought so for a long time, actually."

"Lupin, let us get something straight. You do not need to sweet talk me into having sex with you. I am naked as a new born babe and spread eagled underneath you - in short I am, Merlin help me, a sure thing at this point. So please, spare me the insincere compliments, and get on with it."

"Fine."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"God, you're lovely!"

"I don't - I - oh! Bloody hell!"

"Sssh. Relax."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"See? Your body understands. This can be pleasant for both of us."

"I - oh, God. I can't believe this is happening. Oh! You've - you've done this before, then. Clearly."

"Once or twice."

"With Black?"

"I don't think that's any of your business."

"No, I - mmmmph."

"..."

"..."

"Like that?"

"Oh God!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"What are you - where - that's your tongue! Your tongue on my - this is disgusting! What are you doing?"

"I thought - you might - like - it."

"But what - why - OH!"

"..."

"Fuck, yes, fuck, fuck, how - oh! Oh! OH!"

 

* * *

 

"There's a good ravenous beastie. There's a good wolf. You're not going to kill me, are you? Are you? Shit. Remus Lupin, if you dare - oh. Right. Well, that's all right then. Good werewolf. Um. Good boy. I don't really care for this face-licking, you know, but under the circumstances - my goodness, what big teeth you have. Right. Well, let's just have a nice quiet lie-down, shall we? And go to sleep? That's a good boy. Good wolf."

 

* * *

 

"Good morning."

"Oh God. Oh my God. It wasn't a dream."

"Ah. No. Sorry."

"Oh my God."

"Look, Snape, think of it as, um, a protective spell. A complex protective spell. This way we both get to wake up alive."

"..."

"I really am very sorry."

"I can't believe I - you - we - oh my God."

"Mmm. Although - you seemed to quite enjoy it, at the time."

"Fuck. Off."

"Right. Sorry."

"..."

"..."

"It wasn't quite as unpleasant as I'd anticipated."

"Well thanks a million."

"No - I. Um. I'd never thought about - I mean, I'm not a homosexual, Lupin."

"No. Right. Sorry. Under the circumstances you were very - ah. Broadminded."

"I should bloody well think I was. My God."

"Mmm."

"..."

"I meant it, you know."

"Sorry?"

"About you being attractive. You are. Attractive."

"We're not doing this again, Lupin. There's really no need to massage my ego."

"No, I know that. But - I didn't know if you realised. That you were attractive. But you are. I've always thought so. Lily used to think so too."

_"Do not talk to me about Lily Evans."_

"Ah. No. Right. Sorry."

"..."

"..."

"What are you looking at?"

"Nothing."

"Oh for the love of - what? What's the matter, Lupin?"

"I just - um. I rather wish we hadn't. Last night."

"Oh, thanks. You'd rather have killed me? Thanks. Typical."

"No! No, I'm glad that - oh, damn. Of course not. No. But now I don't think I'm going to be able to stop thinking about you. Like that."

"What?"

"Just - you looked - my God. I'd wondered, but - my God. Um. I really - um."

"Really what?"

"I really enjoyed it. Very much. Sorry. I know that's fairly horrendous of me, since you didn't want to, but - God, Severus. Your face. You just - God."

"Oh."

"Mmm. I'm terribly sorry."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"What the - what?"

"Shut up."

"But you're - What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"It didn't feel like nothing."

"It was just - I made a mistake. If you dare to laugh, Lupin, I shall eviscerate you where you stand. With my toenails."

"I'm not laughing. Come back here."

"Fuck off."

"I'm sorry! I just wasn't expecting - come back here. Please?"

"No."

"Severus Snape, if you're going to just kiss me like that and then tell me that you're 100% heterosexual, and not at all interested in repeating last night - if you - I - oh, do come back here."

"..."

"Fine. Fine. I'll go over there then."

"..."

"..."

"Oh. Oh, God. Do that again."

"..."

"..."

"Hang on - did you hear something?"

"I think that was me. Um."

"No! No not that kind of something - listen."

"..."

"..."

"Fighting! They're coming to get us!"

"I think you're right."

"Thank God!"

"Yes. Er. Although - yes. Good."

"I suppose we should - stop - doing - this."

"Severus Snape, you really are a sadistic bastard."

"I know. It's my charm."

"God."

"Mmm."

"..."

"..."

"So - can we do this again, do you suppose? Some time?"

"Well, I - I don't know."

"Shit. Shit. Look, if you're going to be all - shit. Damn. Damn."

"Perhaps."

"Perhaps?"

"Well, I'll - I mean - let's wait and see, shall we? This is all rather - new."

"While you're thinking about it, how would you feel about a kiss?"

"..."

"..."

"Yes."

"Yes what."

"Anything. Everything. Yes. Oh, damn, do that again."


End file.
